A Short Note at an Ungodly Hour

Greetings out there to the world of the asleep! In a way, I feel like I'm writing this little post from another planet that only I inhabit-a planet where going to bed has nothing to do with sleeping, the deep freezer in the basement has become a central feature in my life, bursting into tears at any given moment is to be expected, and going to bed has nothing to do with sleeping. Once, in the distant past, in a galaxy far, far away, I was one of those people who slept through thunderstorms and noisy logging trucks. And now, almost 38 weeks pregnant, a little wild child rolling around in my guts, what can I tell you...I'm UP.

In the last three weeks or so, I've morphed from a fairly mobile pregnant person (softball! walking! yoga! ice skating! standing for more than ten minutes at a time!) to not really a "person" at all, but more like a lopsided penguin who can't really tie her own shoes, watches a lot of Christmas movies, and goes to bed at 8:30 but then is up for three hours from, oh, 1:30-4:30 in the f*$@ing morning. I've been cooking and cooking and cooking freezer meals (this is the one piece of consistent advice I've gotten time and time again over the last nine months).

The bursting into tears comes for a variety of reasons, but always, always completely out of nowhere. Sometimes Jordan will ask me what's wrong when I start crying, but then I tell him they're happy tears because I've just been googling photos of chubby newborn babies, and I'm just excited. Other times, the tears are because the Friday night dinner at the Legion is sold out, AND they're serving chicken parmesan, AND I couldn't find what time it starts on their Facebook page, AND I DIDN'T KNOW YOU NEEDED A TICKET! Sometimes it's just because my back is killing me. Sometimes it's because I can't find a decent dresser on Facebook Marketplace for the baby who somehow already has more stuff than I do. Sometimes it's a song (Leaving Louisiana in the Broad Daylight is a particular tearjerker these days). Other times, I'm just excited to meet the little bird. And sometimes-not often, but sometimes-I burst into tears because I'm thinking about the sweet day when I'll be able to wear regular pants. Pants that have a button. And real pockets. Pants that don't have a giant elastic belly panel. Oh, sweet day!

There's no question about it: you get a lot of advice when you're pregnant. Some of this comes as friendly advice based on personal experiences, some of it comes as stern advice based on nothing, and then there are a few dead-serious warnings thrown in for good measure. Just in case there's anyone out there who would like the Coles Notes version of what to do if you're about to become a parent, I've got you covered! I've boiled it all down for you-here is the one and only guide you'll ever need. A compilation of what I've learned over the last nine months. A shortform version of everyone's advice on everything.

The Ultimate Pregnancy Guide that Works for Everyone and Should Never Be Questioned

First of all, congratulations!! You're expecting! You're about to fall in love in a way you never thought was possible, and I'm so happy for you. But here, dear, are the rules. These rules are unflinching, do not depend on the person, and must be followed regardless of personal input or preferences. There are no exceptions!!! Good luck! And hey-seriously, congratulations!

1. You really shouldn't even be considering having your baby in a hospital, but a birth at home is also out of the question.

2. Never, under any circumstances, eat any of the following while pregnant: deli meats, raw fish or meat, sprouts, ripe strawberries (unripe, sour, green strawberries are fine). Sugar is a no-no, obviously, but uncooked pasta noodles are a good replacement (buckwheat or spelt only). Salt is also off the table, but if you're craving something savoury, chicken cartilage is a wonderful choice.

3. Don't dress like a shapeless blob.

4. When choosing a name for your new arrival, go with something that's either 1 or 2 syllables (unless, of course, the baby's last name has an even number of syllables). A first name that is a nod to your family's history is always lovely, but only if the name is unique enough to make people wonder how you ever came up with it. Names that are a little more 'out there' also have their place. Consider names of household objects (Toaster, Couch, Sponge), B-list celebrities (Chevy, Buffy, Elon) and B-list spices (Cumin, Turmeric, Caraway). Don't hyphenate the last name of your child-this will ruin the child's life.

5. Don't waddle-it's unladylike.

6. If you ever want to get your life back after having this baby, you won't be breastfeeding. Bottle feeding is also a no. The baby, if you've done your job, should be able to eat full meals from day one (although salad can be a bit tricky for the first little while). Nothing that requires a knife and fork for at least the first week, obviously, but after that, it's all fair game.

7. During delivery, feel free to get any type of pain medication, except laughing gas, Tylenol, Advil, Gravaal, epidurals, fentanyl, oxycotin, anything delivered through an IV, or any pills or liquid medicine. Do not dim the lights. Also, labour should not exceed six hours.

8. Choose a non-obvious colour for your baby's nursery. No pink or blue. White is too medical, and green is trying too hard. Grey, yellow, black, brown or beige will depress the baby. Red or orange will freak the baby out. Purple is only possible if your baby is born in the first week of February or June, and only if it's a girl that weighs between five and six pounds.

9. You must quickly decide on which second language your baby will become fluent in. Your choice for the musical instrument and sport that your child will excel in can be decided a little later, but not later than the age of 3 months old, otherwise it's very unlikely that the child will reach prodigy status.

10. Don't accept anything less than 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night. If your child is not sleeping 10 hours a night from birth, calmly explain to them that this is not acceptable, and the problem should go away within a few days.

11. Don't have a baby within a few weeks of any major holiday (including Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day, Nunavut Day, Festivus, Easter, Passover, Hannukah, Remembrance Day, Halloween, Ireland Day, Black Friday, Canadian or American Thanksgiving, Labour Day or any of the solstices or equinoxes.) If your due date falls within 6 weeks of any of these holidays, simply inform your midwife or doctor that the due date must be rescheduled to a more convenient time so that your child doesn't have a crappy birthday every year.

12. By the time the baby comes, you should have a wide array of homemade, organic, gluten-free, dairy-free, cruelty-free, flavour-free, carbon offset meals made with all local ingredients from within a ten kilometer radius. Make sure to cook a diverse assortment of international meals. All meals must include one type of grain nobody's ever heard of.

There you have it! The one and only guide to everything you need to know. Follow these 12 simple pieces of advice and the rest is cream cheese.

*Footnote: I'm being sarcastic. I think I'm laying it on pretty thick, so I'm sure you picked up on it, but just in case.